Kiss, Kill, Fck
by HogwartsAsWeKnowIt
Summary: The Avengers play Kiss, Kill, F*ck in the famous Stark Tower. (taking requests, rated T for language)
1. Katy Perry, Justin Beiber, Agent Hill

**Kiss, Kill, Fuck**

The Avengers play kiss, kill, fuck (taking requests, rated T for language)

_I don't own the Avengers._

_If you want, you can review names of people you'd like them to play the game with ;)_

_So I hope you enjoy this random shit I wrote at 1 am!_

_Will update when I feel like procrastinating homework or don't feel like wasting a perfectly good night with sleep._

* * *

"Okay, everyone get their hero ass in here!" Tony called over the Stark Tower speaker.

Clint was the first to enter, seeing he had just been two doors down in the kitchen. "That sounded wrong in so many ways."

"Shut up bird brains," Tony snapped, as he started ripping up pieces of paper. "Where's everyone else anyways?"

"Training, and Thor's eating."

"Typical."

"Why are you assembling our asses again?"

"We're playing a game."

"This will end well."

Natasha and Steve walked in, sweating and eagerly drinking from plastic water bottles.

"Why are you both sweating so hard, eh?" Tony smirked, only earing him the disadvantage of having two water bottles thrown at his face.

Bruce and Thor strutted in, Thor still holding a piece of half-eaten toast in his hand and Bruce looking like he had just been awoken from a nap.

"Between you and Cap, it's a miracle we ever have food in this house," Natasha sat on the couch next to Clint.

Tony grabbed a dozen pens and a paper bag and set it on the middle table of the common room.

"What are we doing?" Steve questioned, an eyebrow raised.

"A game, apparently," Clint muttered.

As Natasha took in the sight of the pens, bag and the paper that Tony was currently handing out, her brain made a connection and she pinched her nose with her forefinger and thumb.

"We're playing Kiss, Kill, Fuck, aren't we?"

"Pardon?" Thor and Steve exchanged glances.

Clint started laughing before the game had begun. "I haven't played this is in years. And the last time I did, it was with a bunch of women in a bar and before I even dreamed of joining SHIELD."

Bruce chuckled.

"Now I'm scared," Steve muttered.

"When you heard it was Tony's idea, you should of started being scared."

"Okay, okay. Shut up and let me explain for the alien and grandpa over here. Kiss Kill Fuck is where you write down a bunch of names of friends or famous people, such as celebrities or singers. You put them all in a paper bag, and then someone picks out three. Out of those three, we all have to decide who we would kiss, who we would kill, and who we would make out with. I also think it's a good idea on how to teach Point Break and Capsicle some modern music and movies."

"Sounds voilent...and sexual," Captain Rogers looked extremely frightened.

"You don't actually do it, you virgin," Tony rolled his eyes.

"Good," commented the thunder god.

"And if we don't know who someone is, we can Google it," Natasha said, pulling out her iPhone.

"Thanks," Steve whispered to the red-haired woman next to him.

"Okay, everyone grab a pen and begin!"

After all the paper scraps were mixed around in the bag, Tony grabbed it. "Everyone clear on what to do?" he asked.

"Why the hell am I doing this?" Rogers questioned.

"I'll take that as a yes," Stark flashed a five-star smile as he drew three names.

"And we have: Katy Perry, Justin Timberlake, and...Maria Hill? Oh gawd."

"Who's Katy Perry?"

"Who is this Justin Timberlake you speak of?"

"This is gonna be a problem," Banner muttered.

"No," Tony said, actually acting patient for once. "It's a learning opportunity."

"She's a pop singer. I'll look up Katy, see if I can find any appropiate pictures of her. Ah, here we go," the Widow showed both Steve and Thor.

"Not bad," Thor smiled.

"And Justin Timberlake?"

"He's a singer," Clint passed his phone to the god and soldier.

"Okay," they nodded.

"So who would you kiss, kill, and fuck?"

"Hmmm," Natasha spoke up first. "I'd fuck Justin, of course. Kiss Katy and, sorry Hill."

"You'd kiss a girl?!" Steve stared at her. "Same genders aren't supposed to-"

Tony facepalmed. "It's called gayism or homosexuality. It's quite popular and actually legal in most states. People marry, have sex with, and of course, kiss others of the same gender."

"Jesus Christ, you're insane excuses for humanity," Steve exclaimed before pressing his face in a pillow.

"I do not comprehend..." Thor seemed guinuinly confused.

"Let's end this conversation."

Steve abruptly sat up from his dark hole of pillows with his eyebrows furrowed. "Wait, have sex with? How would that even work?"

"It doesn't, exactly. They just do it out of pleasure-"

"OKAY END OF DISCUSSION!"

"Good idea."

"So, Tony, who would you choose?"

"Hmm, fuck Katy and kiss Hill. Kill Justin."

"Same."

"Same."

"Yep."

"Next round!"


	2. Emma Watson, Benedict Cumberbatch, Steve

Chapter 2

I originally planned this to be a one shot.

I guess that's not what the fates wanted.

I don't own any of these badass people.

Tony pulled three names from the bag, "Benedict Cumberbatch. Not bad. Emma Watson. Mmm. And-" he began laughing. "Steve Rogers!"

"Jesus," Steve buried his head in the pillow once again. "You have GOT to be kidding me!"

"Nope, sorry Spangles. It's legit," Clint picked up the piece of paper.

"Dammit. Okay, let's get this over with."

"Hmmm," Natasha placed her lean finger on her full lips. "I'd kill Emma, fuck Benny, and marry Cap."

Everyone stared at her, wide-eyed. She threw her hands in the air, "Well what would you say?!"

Bruce spoke up next. "Marry Emma. Period. I'd fuck Benedict, I guess. Sorry, Cap."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer that," Cap crossed his arms.

"Thine Captain, I apologize, but I must agree with the man that turns green," Thor shrugged.

"Gee, thanks," Steve smiled, overly sweet. A thought occured to him. "Who wrote my name down?"

Clint raised a hand.

"I'm guessing the rest of us are in there too?"

Clint smirked.

"Okay, okay. Now let Steve do it."

"Excuse me? My name is in that, I don't-"

"I'll give you a thousand bucks," Tony pulled out his wallet.

"Two thousand."

"Fine!"

"Problem. What's an Emma Watson and what's a Benedict Cumberbatch?"

Natasha sighed. "Here," she handed him her phone. "That would be an Emma, and that would be a Benedict."

"Nice cheekbones," Steve raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, he gets that a lot," Tony sighed.

"Um," Rogers blushed. "That Emma girl is nice. I'll marry her. Uh, is it possible for someone to fondue with themself?"

Laughter filled the room.

"Really? You wouldn't fuck the God of Cheekbones?!"


	3. Scarlett Johansson, RDJ, Chris Hemsworth

**Chapter 3**

Holy shit this now has a chapter 3

I don't know if this is gonna end

Oh well, it's better than math homework

This chapter is for the guest aka "Cupcake". Thanks for the prompt :)

* * *

After Steve had recooperated from the last fiasco of fondue-ing with himself, Clint pulled out three more names, "Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, and Chris Hemsworth. Who the shit are these people?!"

"GOOGLE IT!" Bruce exclaimed.

"Or Jarvis it," Tony pointed out.

"Jarvis isn't a verb," Steve rolled his eyes.

"Excuse me sir, I have found images matching the personal you listed. It is rather shocking," Jarvis interrupted.

"Bring them here, J," Tony answered, and a screen of light appeared. It showed pictures of the actors listed before. Everyone gasped.

"Is that me? I look good."

"I do not recall ever being so..._puny_."

"What the fuck?! Why am I shirtless...and in a sexy bra for that matter?"

Rogers's eyes widened at the pictures of Scarlett. She was a model and actress apparently. And she didn't like wearing clothes. Steve found comfort in hiding his face in his pillow, once again. Natasha felt like joining him.

Tony flipped through images of Robert, commenting on how he must be related, and that the beautiful person on the screen must be his long lost cousin or something.

Thor was still wondering when he had ever been that small, and who had gotten pictures of him when his hair was short.

Let me end here saying that there was a lot of arguments and language I do not wish to repeat. And also, Tony Stark ended up drinking several shots of scotch. Steve Rogers almost joined him. Everyone refused to choose in that round, and eagerly continued on to the next one.


	4. Natalie Portman, Hulk, JARVIS

Chapter 4

I honestly don't know what I'm doing with this.

But seeing as some people are enjoying this shit, I shall continue writing it.

Please R&R! Thanks!

* * *

"I am so scared now," muttered Clint, as Natasha dug around in the bag.

"I believe we all are," agreed Bruce.

Eventually, Nat pulled out three more names. "And we have...Natalie Portman...JARVIS?...and oh gawd," she smiled viciously. "The Hulk!"

"You have to be fucking kidding me," Tony hid his face in his hands.

"How would you even fuck the Hulk? He would crush you," Clint glanced at Banner, who was looking like he was gonna be sick.

"HOW ARE YOU GUYS SO MENTALLY MESSED UP?" yelled Steve, once again hiding under the pillow.

"Fine. I'll go first, you wimps," hissed the red head. "I wouldn't mind kissing Natalie Portman, to be honest. And I'm seriously curious, so I think I'll have to fuck JARVIS. And sorry, Bruce, hope you don't mind."

"N-No, not at all," stuttered the doctor.

"Natalie Portman?" Thor asked.

"YOU GUYS ARE SOOOO FAR BEHIND!" cursed Tony as he pulled out his StarkPad and then showed Thor a few pictures.

"Oh my frost giants," exclaimed the thunder god. "IS THAT JANE?"

"Huh?" Tony looked closer at Natalie. "Must be her sister. Ok, I'll go. Definitely fuck Natalie. Period. And then I could never kill JARVIS, so yeah, sorry Science Bro."

"No problem," assured Bruce. "Hey, Cap, you're up."

With a sigh, Steve said, "Remind me why we're doing this?"

"Hey! You're the one who always says we need to 'bond more'!" pointed Clint.

"Fine. Ok, that Natalie person is nice, I'll...yeah with her-"

"Oh my gods, Steve, just say the damn swearword!"

Steve gave Stark a glare. "I'll kiss JARVIS. There, I'm done."

"I must go call Jane," Thor was still staring at the pictures on the tablet. "And ask her if she knows of this Natalie Portman," he stood up abruptly and walked from the room.

"Whatever. Clint, Bruce, who's next?"

"I'll go," Clint raised his hand. "Okay, so I'll fuck Natalie, but I really want to try and kiss the Hulk just for the pure challenge of it. Looks like I'm gonna have to shut JARVIS down."

"Um, I'll fuck JARIVS, kiss Natalie, and kill myself. Does that work?" Bruce suggested.

"Oh my god you're so hopeless. Yeah, that's fine, now where did Thor go?" Tony looked to the door the god had left open.

From down the hall, they heard: "JANE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! IS SHE YOUR SISTER OR NOT?!"


	5. Marilyn Monroe, Johnny Depp, Pepper

Chapter 5

Thanks for the requests you guys are sending! Please continue, as they help me come up with chapters :)

This chapter though...I have no idea what's even happening anymore...

Without further ado, Chapt 5!

* * *

"Steve you get to pick this time," Clint smirked.

"No."

"What if I told you it was some fancy shit soldier order?"

"No."

"ATTENTION! PULL THREE NAMES FROM THE BAG! NOW SOLDIER!"

Steve simply raised an eyebrow, and then burst out laughing. "That, was pathetic. At training, this is what they actually sound like." With that he stood up and faced Barton and stared at him with fake fire in his eyes. "YOU! BARTON! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU DAMN MISSED THE TARGET! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY SIGHT AND GO RUN THREE MILES! _NOW!_"

"You'd make a good trainer," Natasha smiled at Clint's scared expression.

"So, uh," Clint cleared his throat. "Who wants to choose?"

"I shall do it, non-flying bird man," Thor reached for the bag. "Marilyn Monroe-"

"YES!" Steve punched the air.

"Whoa," Tony stared at him.

Thor continued, "Johnny Depp. And...Miss Pepper Potts!"

"Really? Really, Clint?" Tony hissed.

Hawkeye raised his hands in defense. "Not me! I swear on Natasha's life!"

"What the _shit _is wrong with you?" the red haired assassin rolled her eyes.

"Ok, I'll go," Bruce volunteered before Nat had to go to prison for attempted murder. "So I'll fuck Marilyn. Period. Because then you also get to kiss her, so it's a win-win. I could never kill Johnny Depp, so yeah."

"Question," Steve raised his hand.

"Jesus fucking Christ. Did you really- just- oh my god," Tony facepalmed.

"Um yeah. Johnny Depp?"

"This is totally why we should of watched Pirates of the Caribbean instead of Top Gun last night."

"Hey, Top Gun is a pretty fucking amazing movie! By the way, is Tom Cruise in there?"

"Here Cap, Thor," Natasha handed him her phone. "Captain Jack Sparrow for you."

The soldier and thunder god exchanged glances.

"Oh my gosh, at least show them a normal pic of him," Bruce shook his head.

"Fine. I just wanted to see their reactions to Jack Sparrow," Natasha smiled.

"It's Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow. WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!" Tony drunkenly fell off the couch.

Instead of laughing, the fellow Avengers just stared at him with sympathetic eyes, as if he was some lost cause. Oh wait...

"Ya know Grandpa and Princess over here didn't understand any of that," Clint pointed to Steve and Thor.

With an awkward cough, Tony returned to his seat.

"Hey, back to the game. Natasha, go," said Banner.

"Umm, fuck Depp. Kiss Pepper, kill Marilyn."

"Now that's just rude."

"Go Capsicle."

"Definitely Marilyn. I actually got to meet her once, fun fact about Captain America. Anyways, kiss Pep and kill the creepy messed up drunk guy."

"Jack Sparrow."

"Yeah, him."

"See now we're just confusing him," Clint motioned to Steve.

"I believe I would have to agree with thine Captain," Thor boomed.

"Fuck Pepper. Cause we're in a relationship...sorta...and all that," Tony clapped his hands together. "Kiss Marilyn and kill Johnny."

"I think I'm gonna go with Stark on this one," Barton shrugged.

"Steve, pull the next names out."

"No."


End file.
